Author's Note- In class we did a journal entry, it was a Stream of Consciousness, and the word was "City." When I first think of a city, I think of a place like Chicago, at night. I think of how it is always living and something is always happening. This would be where the poem would take place. I didn't mean for it to go darker at the end, but that's where it went. Also, we are reading Fahrenheit 451 right now, and I think this poem could connect to the book in different ways. Please leave your opinion on how it sounded as it got darker, and if I should have kept it happier, and lighter or if the way it went was ok.
Walking through the streets,
Set in a perfect grid.
Everything moving around,
Buzzing through the town.
Looking up to the sky,
The lights of life shining down bright.
Upon me
Rushing to get from here to there,
Not yet knowing
Where there is,
But just wanting to get there.
Whistle down a taxi.
As you wave goodbye,
For now, to a friend,
Knowing you will see them again.
Running out into the heart
Of my city
Weaving through the craziness, the life
The siren sounds,
Lights flashing,
Everything goes out.
The lights of life from above,
Burnt out, turning off.
My lights
Apparently, this is that “there”,
Where I wanted to be.
This isn't where I wanted to be,
At all.
Cemented down into the road,
Stiff and cold, unable to move
Strangers trying to help me,
To save me.
They don’t know what help I need.
How would they?
They don’t know what on me hurts,
They didn’t ask,
As I can’t answer
They think it’s my head, but it’s really my heart.
I’m failing, breaking off, from me.
Is that even possible? To drown inside of myself
Now in this white room,
New lights from above,
Peering down,
Supposedly to wake me up back to life.
But not my life,
My shining lights
Are from the my city,
Where I live, not from this ceiling,
These are lights of someone else's life.
I need my lights
From my city,
To wake me back up.
Until I see my lights,
I’ll stay resting here
In nothingness, in darkness
Never wandering through my streets again,
Never saying hello to that friend I said goodbye to for now,
Never looking up at the sky scrapers of life, reaching to the sky,
But now looking down upon this all.
This was a good poem. I like how you started off all happy and then it came crashing down. That was a nice turn of events. I think one thing that could have been done was you could have led us into the bad part instead of from one stanza being so happy to the next being on the ground in lifeless form. Maybe transition on hoping to see your friend again and then maybe the light going away and your looking for it and can't find it and then fall on the ground lifeless. Just a transition between the two would have made it easier to read. I still like everything that was in the poem though. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThat was a cool poem and my favorite stanza was the last one because of the repetition. This is only a suggestion, but you might want to get this poem so that it has a little bit more form and still be loose by making all the stanzas a certain amount of lines. That is only a thought and could be really dumb but oh well. Nice job Erin.
ReplyDeleteWow nice job Erin! I loved this poem soooo much! I think that when it turned from happy to not good it was more interesting then if it were supposed to be happy the whole time. I do agree with Ryan in a way though saying that you should maybe make the stanzas more consistent in a way... I really like it how it is though too nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem, Erin. Sometimes our writing takes us somewhere it doesn't intend to go and you seem really comfortable with that. I like how you talked about lights differently but in every stanza towards the end. It really tied together the whole poem, nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really nice poem Erin. The transition between the two emotions is really cool. I agree with both Katelyn and Ryan though that the poem might flow easier if the stanzas had some similarity. Other than that though, it is really good and very enjoyable to read.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece. I think the form was perfect, but I agree with Chandler that there should have been a more clear transition. In the end did she die? I thought it was more of a coma.
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem! You had a lot of nice repetition,and like Abby said using lights in every stanza helped it flow together. I liked how in the third to last stanza you said "This is not my lights, I need my lights from my city." It helps to draw you into how bad the situation is. Great job Erin!
ReplyDeleteErin I really like this! It's so intense and meaningful and it really shows what good writing you can do. I like that you twisted it into something more than just being on a street in a city. I like the questions you ask but you make them still sound poetic and still flow with the rest of the poem. Great job!
ReplyDeleteoh, by the way, that comment above is from me, Morgan P., not Erin
ReplyDelete