Author's Note: It was a journal response that I added. I didnt really mean to, but it ended up in a dark place, but I liked how it ended so I left it there, so you can decide what it should go to.
There is a white snow covering the ground. A family of deer walk by. They stop in the middle of the clearing. I hear some birds as a cardinal flies by. I come up to the edge of the trees. They make a little dome, surrounding, enveloping me. I cant see the sky anymore, they, the trees, bend over me, cover me. I walk further in. I see the coals, of a fire still burning. Everlasting. Am i alone?
What mode is this? Try makeing it either happy or evil.
ReplyDeleteOHHH ok thanks! Ill try that next time. Ill be more aware of that!
ReplyDeleteWell I like it. And ending the poem with a question was smart. It really makes you think. But I think that in the line "they, the trees, bend over me, cover me" you might what to take out the 'they'. I don't think it quite fits right with the poem. But it's still a great poem.
ReplyDeleteOk I think I am going to leave that but thanks!
ReplyDeleteI think you did good Erin. It was evil and happy at the same time. Actually the end was kind of creepy but at the same time it was a breath of fresh air. Bravo darling, bravo!
ReplyDeleteAre you alone? I think you should add more, because now I want to know if you were alone! It's a good way to end it though! Cool story.
ReplyDeletePutting a question at the end is really creative. Maybe try starting each sentence in a different way to add some personality to the piece.
ReplyDeleteThe way you ended with a question left the reader with something to think about, which is a cool way to end an entry. In the part where you talked about the trees bending over you, you could change some of the commas into a dash construction to make your sentence structure even better. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteOk thanks!
ReplyDeleteI really liked that Erin. It was really cool how you ended it with a question, that keeps you thinking. Great Job! :)
ReplyDelete